support site and some of my life

hi first of all, i made a support site which has sections on abuse.

i wrote this poem because it shows how i feel
Overrun by powerful emotions
Trapped at a dead end
Only way out is to conquer the dreaded emotion
It's like a shadow so dark and menacing
I avoid it at all times

The shadow follows me wherever I go
Never relenting
Becoming more powerful as its quest progresses
The more I avoid it the stronger it becomes

Never letting me forget
Never giving me a moments peace
No matter how hard I try to repress what I'm feeling
Its always there
Growing stronger as each moment passes

Days go by
I get better at hiding behind a mask
Pretending to be normal
Soon the days give in to weeks
And the weeks surrender to months
Slowly my mask becomes reality
And I forget about the shadow lurking inside
Until one day
When the shadow takes over
Leaving me defenseless to its power
Left to fend myself in the wake of destruction

i have an abusive past and i just want to over come what happened to me but its hard because i have multiple epersonality disorder now and ptsd along with depression and cutting tendencies. idk what to do anymore and i hope that people sign up for my site cause helping others helps me.
Angel face

Standing up for my son

In that phone call the other night with my mom, she reprimanded, yelled at me, and belittled me for standing up for my 2 1/2 year old little boy; a child who is like a sponge and takes in everything he sees, hears and feels. She yelled at me for standing up to my dad. She said how he needed to be yelled at and given discipline. Well there's a difference between discipline and RAGE!

I was at my dad's house about a month ago. We were all hanging out together in the family room talking and the guys were watching a tv show called Survivors. Sach went over to the window and was about to touch a small vase with flowers in it. My dad shot out of his seat, an older man who complains about his knees and has had a hard time walking on his feet, he threw himself at Sach and leaned over right to Sach's face and blasted at him "NOOOOOO", then he continued yelling at the top of his voice, a rage-fully angry man who his anger terrifies me. He didn't stop yelling and explaining in rage not to touch things and that he can't do this or that. He had no right to yell at my son, and even more so to scream at him and continue his rageful blasting on a 2 1/2 year old child who hadn't even done anything yet, and he had absolutely no reason for yelling. He just yelled.

My brother Pete jumped at him and pulled him away from Sach, and said "stop, Dad, calm down". I jumped to him and stood right next to my dad and said, "DAD STOP it!"

My dad was taken aback. He wasn't used to being yelled at for having such rage, but this is my 2 year old little boy. He is not my dad's child to get after. He is mine, and I am a victim of child abuse; from my mom, my grandmother and my dad and I refuse to let my little Sach, for as long as I am able and alive, to allow him to also be a victim of child abuse.

I took Sach away from the situation and walked on the other side of the room. He was crying, tears down his face, and shaking all over his body. He was terrified, and I just comforted him, rocked him, and said, "it's okay hunny. You're okay. You're Grandpop's very angry. Mommy loves you!" After that scene I took Sach upstairs right away. I didn't talk to my dad. I just walked away.

I was upstairs with Sach for about an hour. My brother Pete came up to hang out with us for a little bit. He's the one who felt that the way that dad was WAS abusive; including me. We talked about it. You can discipline your child, but you DO NOT do it by scaring them half to death!

The phone call with my mom 2 nights ago, has only proved to me that not only can I NOT trust my dad alone with Sach, I also cannot trust my mom. She stood up for my dad having rage at Sach. I told her he was angry, really angry and it terrified Sach. She said, "you don't yell at your father." This is the same she feels about herself. She does not want me standing up to her for having abused me all my life. She thinks it is completely normal and natural to abuse your child, and she is in absolute and complete denial.

Well after knowing that she really feels this way, it only shows to me that I cannot trust Sach alone with my mom either. She drinks until she passes out, she also has the same level of rage and doesn't listen to children's feelings, lies to herself and to the children around her how she feels, and wants to diminish me and Sach for being sensitive to their rage. I will not let Sach be treated the way I was. I was going to ask my mom to babysit Sach so I could take a Communication Course Dec. 5th and 6th, but after this conversation, there is no way in hell I feel it is safe to leave him with her. I cannot trust her.

  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished
Grinch Hug

National Hug Your Caregiver Day Initiative

National Hug Your Caregiver Day Initiative
November 21st

Caregivers are the backbone that supports our society. They come in many shapes, sizes, and focus in many different areas. Everybody knows caregivers. They can be parents, spouses, family, friends, healthcare providers, massage therapists, chiropractors, nanny's, babysitters, pet sitters, or anybody else who has taken care of another living being.

Caregivers are also some of the most ignored and taken for granted people in our society. These people dedicate part of their lives, if not their whole lives, to caring for others. And yet, they are often touch deprived and feel under/un-appreciated.

Started in 2008, the National Hug Your Caregiver Day Initiative is trying to raise awareness about caregiver appreciation. We are helping people learn to show their appreciation for the caregivers in their lives.

Join our yahoo group at:

Use this blog to share your stories about caregiving, or to share your stories about a caregiver who is special to you. 

The website is being created and will be going live by January 2009. 

"Smile! You're getting hugged!"
  • Current Mood
    ecstatic ecstatic
Angel face

First Friday vs. Art Opening, Meditation and Live Music with L

For this last hour before I have to meet baby and daddy again, I want to write about last night's experience.

Collapse )

My anger feels less. My overwhelming energy I had felt around my head feels less intense. I feel lighter and a little happier than before my session. Although I could really take a nap. Napping helps me to integrate after these sessions I'm realizing, but I'll have to wait to see after i call Elie if I have time to nap. I might have to go pick up Sach (my baby), right away.


  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

A Happy Note and Deep Apology

I am happy to say that year before last my step father had been put in jail for 25 years congruently, it would have been 39 consecutively. I am sorry to my community members for not being here for awhile, i express my deepest apologies. but I am happy that the community has still been going while i was gone.
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

*Leave it to my Mother . . .

to bring up bad memories involving my father, to make herself look better.(She brings things up, and says stuff like: "Well I never did that to you", "We weren't together anymore when he did that")
As though I can't remember on my own.

This is what she reminded me of, even though I had quite clear and precise memory of it, almost 18 years later.  She wasn't even fucking there, so why bring it up?  The only reason she knows is because I told her afterwards.
So, I'm approx. 8-9 years old.  Watching Young & the Restless at my G'ma Ginny's house (My father's mother) , my father is drunk as per usual. I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV contently watching the soaps....  He comes over and kicks me hard in the tailbone.  He was wearing steel-toed cowboy boots.  The reason?  Apparently, he heard me say the word "shit".  I hadn't said anything.  He didn't ask if I had said something before he kicked me, he just did. 

However, this wasn't exactly unusual practice... I would say one of his milder forms of abuse... but the reason I remember? 
Not too long after the incident, a few months I guess... It was sledding time.  I couldn't go sledding with my friend Shannon, and her family, because it was too painful for me to sit on a sled.  And I couldn't explain to them why.  I just had to deal with it. It occasionally is still painful, especially anytime someone actually touches my tailbone. 
I mean, how do you explain as an 8 yr old, that you can't sled because your father likes to kick you, and when he's not doing that, he's pawning you off as a playtoy to his sleazy friend.


Dear Group,

Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link
Here is the correct spelling.  I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn

referral sources:

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS

Breaking the Silence

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS 

Petition for Justice for Katelynn: 

Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!****

Question for those in long term relationships

I'm in a 6 mo. relationship with a really nice guy. It is my first relationship in a very long time where the guy is in the same city as me, so I see him two-three times a week. The problem I'm having revolves around physical intimacy. My guy kisses me, hugs me, goes in for some action, and I just want to pop him on the nose. I don't know if it is me trying to adjust to the new high level of closeness, or maybe I just don't like this guy? Know what I mean? Is my gut acting out of trying to protect myself, or because it's not used to all the physical attention?

I should add that he has seriously never been anything other than kind in bed. I've had problems with flashbacks with him in the past, and problems with him being a little too rough in bed. Both we've talked about and dealt with. This, though, I am not sure its the right time to bring up one more thing that ties back to my abusive past. That line gets old, you know?

Any insight?