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First Friday vs. Art Opening, Meditation and Live Music with L

Abuse Survivors & Other Problems

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First Friday vs. Art Opening, Meditation and Live Music with L

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For this last hour before I have to meet baby and daddy again, I want to write about last night's experience.

All of the feelings of the rape had been up for me. It's been three years since the big event of violation had happened to me, and as brave and strong as I am, I realize now that i have NOT healed from this. I am a Healer, YES, however, just because I am a Healer does not make me perfect and does not mean that I can heal every piece of me instantaneously or as quickly as I want to. I need to take as much time to heal as everyone else, and now being a mother and a Healer for others, in a  way it may take me longer. I accept this graciously, however, my determination and desire is to be rid of all delusions, mis-perceptions, fears, and all feelings of not being safe in the world. Last night was one of those nights.

I was noticing yesterday during the day that I had the feeling of not being safe, being more protective, introverted, on guard per say, quiet, shy and timid. I was talking to my friend Nic about going to First Friday vs. going to the Yoga Studio to hear the live performance, be in the energy of other Yoga Teachers, do a meditation and see some pretty amazing art. He was suggesting that i go to the Yoga Studio. He felt that it would be the more gentle and healing energy that I was needing and looking for. We were debating on the First Friday. He said how the friends that were going were in some pretty bad places in their lives, that they wouldn't be putting off the kind and gentle energy that i was needing, and that it was really hot,  and that the attendance of First Friday in July and August is nothing compared to the fall and Spring. He said most people don't show their art because of the heat. mostly because the doors are opened and there is no air conditioning and the artists that show are in college and in classes when the majority of the people come. He said that I would like it better if I waited to come in the fall and to go to the Yoga Studio.

i am SO glad I listened to him! I had the most amazing evening last night. It was so profound. I met up with some friends i hadn't seen in months or years, and all in the kirtan, bhakti, bhajan practices i went to before Sach was born and where I LOVED to sing...endlessly for hours. Well, we got to sing. "I" got to sing last night, and I poured my heart out into the music...the sounds, the vibrations, and the silences. It was transcendental!

In the beginning of the evening I saw some new people, L - the artist and leader and connected to him, then Amy and her husband, Rhoni, and more new faces. Then Jen showed up. Yay. :-). I saw Stephen. He greeted Sach with a big hello. I saw Rama and got to talk to him about getting together to practice and sing on a regular basis. Awesome, and he was the one who lead the music last night. :-) Then Yvette walked in after it started -- another big YAY! A couple ladies just adored Sach and he crawled around like a little champ. Then he went over to the drums that were sitting on the floor and started hitting it like a pro, and then crawled over to the gong. I showed him how to hit it with the big gong stick, and then he went to town on it, and it kind of got the evening started. He so loved hitting that gong that everyone started coming into the room as though it was our warning call that it was time to get started. Haha. So funny!

This woman I just met that night was adoring Sach and after we started meditating wanted to hold him. i was holding him first and we were singing at first and i held him during the music. I held him when it was time to meditate, but he wanted to move around. So, I just let go, and let him crawl around. He did not want to be tied down, so I let him explore. And everyone's eyes lit up with brightness and joy to his little body exploring and greeting everyone with such innocent love!  Then L was leading us deeper into meditation, and Sachi was still crawling around. Sach started climbing over to L as though he was a long lost friend! It was so cute. He was the only man he crawled up to. He must has known how clear and sacred his energy was and he felt like home being close to him. So, eventually L held Sach and was walking around with him while he was leading the meditation. Sachi was pointing to everything in the room and L was smiling and agreeing with him to explore all the things Sach was pointing to. I noticed and smiled under my breath! Then it was time to go deeper into the meditation, and the woman who looked at me earlier to hold him peeked at me again. Sach was on the floor at this time, after L had handed him back to me. But Sach wanted to move around more. So, she picked him up. He almost came back to me because he was getting sleepy and almost dozed off, but she slid into this perfect moment and took him from me. He fell asleep within minutes. It was a chance for me to go deeper into the meditation.

The gong went off. At first i was really antsy. i could not get still in my body and every position was uncomfortable. Then the gong was getting louder and louder, and i couldn't take it anymore. I walked out of the room to sit away from the group, however the gong was just as loud on the other side of the wall as inside. The wall does not go all the way up to the ceiling. So, the sounds are just as clear inside as outside of the room. i was in the main entrance of the yoga studio at this time. So, i sat on the couch, and put my feet up into lotus position, as I always do. I sat there, and within minutes, my body started shaking, and eventually I started sobbing, and then crying, and just a few tears came, but it was enough to get me in touch with my body and my feelings. I wanted to be clear of this rape, and I was/AM ready to be clear. It was time to get started to heal. I wasn't ready to come back in, but the woman holding my baby, came to see me. She tried putting him back in my arms, but I looked down, still feeling inward and not ready to look at anyone else. Then eventually I came back into the room.

The gong was so loud that I didn't think anyone could have heard me over the wall, but when I re-entered some girlfriends that knew me peeked over at me. They were sitting across the room, and gave me a brief smile. It was warming, but I was still feeling really sad. I wasn't quite ready, but the woman put Sach back in my arms. He was out cold, so I layed him on my lap so he could continue sleeping. I just sat there, in a place of rest and did some deep breathing.

When the night was over, I was inspired to look at the Yin-Yoga Teacher Training Flyer. I had already done a Teacher Training, but because I was going through a Kundalini awakening in the middle of it, the Yoga Teacher at the other studio had suggested I wait to finish the rest of it. My body was going through awakenings of release and energy surges for days on end and he did not want me freaking out the other students at the time. This was 2 years ago (the fall right after the rape happened). This Yoga Teacher Training would complete my hours. I only needed 1 or 2 weekend left and 4 Wednesday's. And, the Yin Yoga is a deep practice of holding poses for almost 1 minute each, instead of a few seconds like other yogas. I like the intensity of holding poses. This is my kind of yoga anyway, so it might be a perfect fit! I spoke to Amy for a little bit and inspired her to take an Art Class. she is a Yoga Teacher friend of mine. She's known me for years.

Then after everyone left, Jen and Yvette walked me outside. L was still there and cleaning up the studio. One amazing thing was that the event was free this night. What a gift from the Universe! :-) So, Jen carried my bags and I carried Sach. I was about 9:30pm by this time. I was talking to Yvette at my car. We spoke about so many things...the healing journey, clearing blocks of energy, how she felt how powerful I am and that my presence is so amazing and that I need to heal this because people love me and love to see me shining. She said how important it was to heal my relationship with my mom and agreed for me that when I take space from my family it is a good thing - that I am trying to change the family legacy and everyone else in my family is shut down and blocked to the awareness that this is important. I told her some of my mom and she couldn't believe someone like my mom had manifested a daughter like me. she said I was the Warrior Healer who came from a completely destructive and abusive family and how unconscious my mom was of herself from not healing ANYTHING, and how I want to heal EVERYTHING! She also said I had every right to not want to spend time with her if she was going to drink. and, she acknowledged that it was amazing that all three brothers of mine have never had girlfriends and have been celibate almost all of their lives. I told her i think they are afraid of woman but that they're in denial. She was stunned. I told her how they always do anything and everything she asks them to do, and that they want her love more than anything.  She said how she sees that I don't need her acceptance, but they do, so when I disappear on events or holidays when I'm healing, it's understanding, because I don't need to be there like they do. She felt that they were waiting for something from her...like approval. She asked me to please call her, and to please get help. She was so glad that I'm reaching out now. She said to definitely call the police and report the rape. She said that would help empower me and that it is important for me to be empowered. And the rape counseling, and the referral to the woman who healed (another Tantra Teacher) of her rape. She liked the sound of all of it.....so my journey begins. I've reached out, I've told friends, I am honest to clients when I need to be. Elie is supportive of me taking space to heal, Sach needs me to heal this, and I need me to heal this.

During my therapy session today I expressed these feelings to my therapist. I told him my experiences, the quick to anger, feelings of isolation, protection, fear, safety, sadness, being quiet or shy, and so on. I told him about my yeast infection and how it has been 4 months and has not gone away, and the pain inside after having sex or even using a vibrator. So, we did some clearings on the feelings of protection and safety, and then on the yeast infection to clear my body's need to have the infection as a way to protect myself from the rape. Then we discovered that my body experiences pain after sex or the vibrator as a way to not experience joy during sex. I realized that it's my heart that is blocked and my yoni is the manifestation as the proof that my heart does not want to feel. He said the best way to heal the pain in my womb/yoni is to heal my heart and the pain with my mom and roots. He believes that the rape is an after-affect of my mom and grandmother abusing me as a child. i was the one who said this to him. I suppose he really believes that i am smart enough to know these things and agrees with me. He said this is going to take some time. So, this pain in my yoni (vagina)/womb is going to have to wait to heal completely and take the time it needs to take before this pain I experience after sex goes away. However, I haven't had sex in almost 2 months now, so I suppose waiting a little longer to heal won't hurt me.

I also brought in all my paintings to my therapist. We had talked about me bringing them in today for him to look at. He liked several pieces; some more than I thought he would, and some I thought he wold like where he didn't say anything. It shows me that everyone has their own style and appreciation for art and not one person's opinion is better than another. He also recognized through some paintings how they show the level of patience I have. He said he wouldn't have had the patience to put all the beads on the one painting I added crafts to. He liked about ten of my paintings, so that is a pretty good sign. I don't want to list all of them here.Maybe one of these days i can learn how to scan or take a picture of them and post them on here.


My anger feels less. My overwhelming energy I had felt around my head feels less intense. I feel lighter and a little happier than before my session. Although I could really take a nap. Napping helps me to integrate after these sessions I'm realizing, but I'll have to wait to see after i call Elie if I have time to nap. I might have to go pick up Sach (my baby), right away.

Love,

Asttarte
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